Micro-aggressions: how to deal with them

I hope you saw my first piece on this subject, if not check it out! This is part two: how to deal with micro-aggressions. I have thought long and hard about this, and I think the short answer is ‘it depends!’

It depends on the circumstances - I think if you feel insulted or offended about what’s been said, then you should act, say something.

It depends on the strength of aggression of the comment made - ‘You are pretty for a black woman..!’ For instance, in my eyes, should be challenged. I’d be like ‘For a black woman, what the hell does that mean?’

If I’d been older and more aware, I’d definitely have asked my matron at school what she meant by ‘.......you are not in the jungle now!’ But I didn’t even understand the dig at the time, wondering what she meant since I wasn’t from the jungle?!

Again, I was young and I don’t remember what I said to those who asked what colour our blood is? But I should have said, ‘what colour do you think it is?’ It would be amusing to hear the answers to that!

There is also the matter of the consequences of what people say and do. Where there are fall outs for what someone has said or done, then this should always be challenged. Like when I was turned into the perpetrator with micro-aggressions, racial stereotypes and lies in spite of evidence to suggest I was a victim. This lost me my home of 19 years, rendering me homeless when I’d done nothing wrong! When the outcome is likely to be serious, such micro-aggressions are dangerous, unforgivable and should always be challenged.

‘It is said that micro-aggressions reinforce white privilege and undermine a culture of inclusion.’ Ella F Washington, Alison Hall and Laura Morgan Roberts write in the Harvard Business Review. “In fact, research suggests that subtle forms of interpersonal discrimination like micro-aggressions are at least as harmful as more overt expressions of discrimination.”

So there we go, that’s how serious it is, but nonetheless very difficult to gauge in terms of severity, aggression and malice intended. To add to this, is that even if no malice is intended, we should point out ignorance so the other person is aware. They might not accept it, in fact they probably will not take it and be very defensive, but at least then you are not enabling anyone or anything!

To take it still further is how to tell if malice is intended. Tricky! Like for instance the ‘...where are you from comment?’ has never bothered me as I am a British citizen and have no wish to be British, even if I am, in a way, British. But for those born here - and this is definitely their home - it is insulting. One of the reasons this has never really upset me is because I am interested in people’s origins from a travel and cultural point of view. So we can see that this is a minefield, and a potentially very damaging one too!

I say revert back to your own experiences, set up, feelings, instinct and conscience. You might not always get it right, but one’s instinct can tell you a lot if you listen. And if you still do not feel confident in a certain situation to speak out, then don’t. You might feel more able to speak out in another setting, time or place. Or you might feel better taking the person aside.

The bottom line, is to keep in mind the potential distress and disturbance of these micro-aggressions and act accordingly. I think most people would rather not cause upset or conflict, but sometimes we need to face our fears and do it anyway! This is how I try to live as a mature adult.