Lockdown has been great for my OCD: the challenges in adjusting to a ‘new normal’
I recently went to the pub for the first time since the end of lockdown. It took me two hours to leave my flat.
I was due to attend end-of-term drinks with my writing group. As I started getting ready, the unease started to grow. I knew all too well what was coming. I would be beholden to a relentless series of checks that would need to be completed to ‘perfection’, before I could leave.
I have suffered with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) since the age of six, more specifically a type known as Checking OCD. OCD is, unsurprisingly, categorised by obsessions and compulsions:
An obsession is a thought or image that repeatedly enters a person’s mind. It is very difficult (or impossible!) to move away from and causes significant anxiety.
A compulsion is a physical behaviour or mental act, which is carried out to bring temporary respite from the anxiety caused by the obsessive thought.
Back to that evening, I finished up my outfit with a beret - I was meeting writers after all, darling! Sure enough, the obsessive thoughts had begun.
What if the overlapping kitchen wires sparked a fire? What if my hair dryer was actually still on even though I couldn’t hear it - and it caught alight?
In order to try to put the thoughts to bed, every room in my flat had its own set of checks. The thoughts in my head told me that if I didn’t complete these compulsions sufficiently, a friend or loved one could die because of my negligence. I knew that, in all likelihood, I was being ridiculous, but now I had entertained the thoughts, I had to rectify things in some way.
The bathroom was the worst. There was always a sense of trepidation when crossing that threshold! A two-minute teeth clean led to fifty-minutes of me trying to get the hell out of there.
Nothing behind bathroom door that isn’t supposed to be there
Toilet flushed and clean
Window shut
Shower off
Bath taps off
Sink taps off
Bottle lids done up
No liquids spilt
No damp marks on the walls
Electrics off
I repeated the parts of this list over and over again. If I felt I had remotely been distracted or thought about anything else, I couldn’t consider it ‘done’ properly. The more the anxiety escalated, the more the doubt swarmed around my head, making it impossible to focus. I was going to be really late.
There was the more left field stuff too. I couldn’t scratch any walls with my finger nails. If I did I had to stop and smooth over the affected area, to undo any awful damage. I couldn’t breathe out while looking at a photo of my family (tough one that one, sometimes you just breathe without realising, you know?). If I did, I had to keep looking at the photo until convinced I’d pulled off a successful inwards breath to show that I really did love them.
Lockdown had offered a blissful respite from my mental health struggles. In being permitted to work and socialise from home, I did not have to complete the tiresome daily list of checking rituals before I left the flat each day, to ensure nothing terrible would befall anyone. A reduction in stress equalled a plummet in my compulsions - lovely stuff! Yet going to the pub was more than enough of a trigger to fire it up again. While most people were celebrating the easing of restrictions, I was spiralling. My rituals were raging again, running rampant, all because of a trip to the pub with people I really liked!
I wasn’t so worried about germs or catching COVID-19 either, which might surprise some. Most of the coverage around OCD during the time of COVID-19 has focussed on a type called Contamination OCD. Yet for a lot of sufferers, this isn’t their issue. The condition affects people in myriad ways that are largely forgotten about in the media.
“There are infinite types of OCD, it can impact on any thought, on any subject, on any person, on any fear, and frequently fixates on what’s important in a person’s life.” OCD UK
I arrived at the pub late, sweaty and profusely anxious, although desperately trying to hide it. I sat amongst my fellow wannabe authors, sweating, trying to not give myself away, annoyed with myself. I knew I was going to have to challenge my OCD again in the ‘real world’.
I am now working my way towards a new ‘normal’ with the condition. I need to find a balance between not picking up new rituals around COVID-19, whilst also following government advice. It is a slow process, but I am getting there. Trying to deal with this condition is not a linear route for me. It’s a life-long acquaintance of mine, that flares up and dies down as I go through, manageable at times and unbearable at others.
I have shared below the four Rs that are helping me to adjust. Please note, I am (quite clearly!) not a medical professional, these are just personal tactics…
Recognising triggers - stress is my biggest trigger - a reduced workload in lockdown reminded me of this and I am learning to try and recognise it setting in early, before I reach the point of meltdown! I am exploring job opportunities that don’t involve long hours, late nights and being ‘always-on’.
Reaching out – I am connecting more than ever with a community of fellow ‘OCD-heads’. It has been fascinating and reassuring in learning about how others are coping and that I am not alone in the struggle to adjust. I also reach out to professionals for additional support as needed.
Recharging – late nights, alcohol and a rubbish diet flair up the condition no end. Exercise, healthy food and some early nights help me to reset and take on any challenges with a clearer mind. Balance, as always, is key. This is something I will probably take a lifetime to learn!
Removing – Taking myself away from social media and relentless news updates is imperative. I limit intake on both fronts to give my brain the space to take in the important information and cope with any anxieties it may set off.
Please feel free to reach out with any of your own tips and tricks for easing post lockdown anxiety.
Go easy out there.
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Website: http://www.becspearson.com/
