Celebrating Motherhood: Letting Go of Mum Guilt with Leila Green, Founder of F*** Mum Guilt

Being a mum is one of the hardest jobs I feel so ridiculously blessed I get to do - but through every happy moment with my daughter I am also riddled with anxiety from the on going to do list, unfinished writing projects and the daily workout of regulating (co-regulating) my emotions. All so that, one day, when she's my age, she’ll have far less to unpack with her therapist than I did. 

Mum guilt is that nagging voice in the back of your head that tells you that the mum in playgroup was totally judging you for giving your daughter berries because berries are supposedly the devil's candy or the time I have taken to write this has somehow deprived my daughter of the attention she so desperately needed, and now she'll carry the scars of this one stolen hour for life.

It's thoughts like this that inspired Leila Green to change the narrative and expectations for mums in order to remind mums (like me) that it's OK to take an hour away from looking after your daughter to do something that's just for you.

MR: What inspired you to start F Mum Guilt, and how has your journey shaped your perspective on motherhood?

LG: I didn’t intend to start a movement, but I did feel frustrated and unseen by the mainstream motherhood narrative. My version of motherhood didn’t look like that. 

My own motherhood journey has been so intense. Having triplets gives you a compressed motherhood experience, so I reached breaking point within a few months, whereas it might take other mamas years to get to that point. I remember sitting down and pumping whilst the babies slept (this was the only time I got to sit down). One of them woke up and started crying, then another, then another, and I just didn’t have the energy to get up off the chair and walk across the room and help them. At that moment, mum guilt came for me, guns blazing: you’ll never be able to meet their needs, they deserve better, it’s not their fault you can’t do this, etc. I felt utterly defeated, and my babies could sense that; it only upset them even more. I realised it was either mum guilt or me. It couldn’t be me - my babies needed me too much. So I squared up to mum guilt and showed it the door. 

MR: Your platform, F Mum Guilt, is all about breaking free from guilt. How does guilt show up for mums, and how can they let it go?

LG: It shows up as not feeling good enough, no matter what. Society has hugely unrealistic expectations of mothers, and we are making ourselves ill trying to meet them. Expectations are so high, and our reality is often much lower, which means we end up trapped in the middle - in the gulf of not being good enough. A miserable place where no matter what we do, which compromises we choose to make, we feel like we’re getting it wrong.

There are 4 steps or mantras if you like to let go of it. Each is a choice to move from one energetic state to another. I’ve drawn on what I’d learned from mindfulness, coaching and therapy I’d had as well as my experience as a successful entrepreneur.

Acceptance, not expectations - let go of where you thought you’d be and start where you are.

Priorities, not perfection - you can’t do it all, so be clear on what really matters to you.

Compassion, not comparison - be kind to yourself.

Intuition, not instruction - ditch the shoulds and do what feels right for you.

MR: What are some of the biggest misconceptions about motherhood that contribute to guilt, and how can we shift the narrative?
LG: The perfect images we are presented with on social media make us feel like we’re coming up short. I remember looking at pictures of triplets on Instagram in cute matching outfits in a home that looked like an interior’s magazine shoot and taking a look around my kitchen - with piles of laundry as my babies couldn’t go more than an hour without being sick on themselves (or worse) so never had matching outfits thinking “where am I going wrong”

The dark side of this perfectionism is masking - mums are afraid to ask for help, and we really need to shift the idea that asking for help is failing in some way. I had to get really good at asking for help with newborn triplets, which was a learning curve as I’m usually very independent and self-reliant. 

MR: How do you think societal expectations have evolved for mums, and where do we still have work to do?

LG: I don’t know if they’ve evolved, but they’ve increased. We still have all the traditional, domestic expectations; we have all the aesthetic expectations that come with being a woman, and on top of that, we also have career and earning expectations. 

It’s reached the point where it’s suffocating. Actually, I think we need to embrace diversity - let mums do things their way without judgment. What works for you might not work for them and vice versa.

MR: What self-care rituals or mindset shifts do you recommend for mums who feel overwhelmed?

LG: I honestly wouldn’t have gotten through the first year with triplets without yoga and meditation. All the crying and chaos were so overwhelming, I craved moments of stillness and quiet.

If you don’t already have a practice, you can start small by just listening to a short audio meditation on Spotify or YouTube.

The biggest mindset shift is that it’s not selfish to look after yourself. In the beginning, I felt guilty for having childcare so I could go to the gym, but my mother-in-law helped me see that coming back refreshed and feeling capable was good for the whole family.

MR: What’s one piece of advice you wish all mums could hear this Mother’s Day?

LG: No one will prioritise your health and wellbeing if you don’t. And you matter! 

Don’t feel guilty for taking time to do whatever fills your cup. For me, that was a mixture of quiet meditation and gentle exercise - yoga, walking my dog, and running.

MR: Mother’s Day often brings a mix of emotions for mums. What does this day mean to you personally?

LG: After my miscarriages, it was a very hard day tinged with sadness and grief.

I’m usually so caught up in the busyness of mum life that I don’t take a moment to pause and reflect on everything I’ve been through and all I’ve done, so it’s lovely to have a day where we can take a breath and actually appreciate that (between all the mum jobs that still need doing of course).

MR: What’s one myth about motherhood you wish we could completely erase this Mother’s Day?

LG: This one was actually on a reel that wound me up so much, I started the F*** Mum Guilt Movement: “Mum guilt shows me how much you care”. This is complete BS. Just because I’ve ditched the guilt, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about my kids. It means I also take care of myself.

MR: If you could redefine the “perfect” Mother’s Day, what would it look like?

LG: My husband asked me what I wanted, and I said, “Someone else make the beds, do the laundry, cook 4 meals from scratch and unload the dishwasher”. He laughed, but we settled on having some alone time in the morning to do a yoga class and go to the spa at my gym and then have a family BBQ.

MR: If you could send a message to your pre-motherhood self, what would you say?

LG: You have no idea what you’re capable of. Also, there is no singular way of getting motherhood right. Trust your intuition, you’ve got this.

Leila has just launched this t-shirt and is offering free p&p this Mother’s Day weekend https://f-mum-guilt.teemill.com/product/f-mum-guilt-t-shirt/