Let’s Talk About Marriage
Marriage is beautiful but marriages aren’t easy. Are we expecting too much from our forever love?
I came across a video recently where a relationship expert and an American professor were talking about the three eras of marriages so far: Colonial era which was until about 1850, industrialised is the second era from 1850 to 1965 and now we are currently in the third era.
Initially marriage was a survival tool. It wasn’t about love, it was about companionship. The second era was when people married for love and fulfilment. Now, in the third era, love doesn’t seem to be enough. We are looking for connections, sexual fulfilment and personal growth. Our expectations from a marriage have increased and we are not willing to settle.
Being married is great and although it has its ups and downs it can be so much fun. I believe our view of marriage, relationships, our partner, and our own worth is a reflection of our past.
Humans seem wired to be attracted to many different people. Our appetites are not easily whetted. People change. The person you are attracted to now will eventually change into a different person as they grow.
To stay together, you need to work together to grow your marriage. Relationships work when two people work at it…constantly! There is no magic formula. It’s not easy and it takes practice. Marriage is about balance.
People think that the grass is greener on the other side. And we know flaws in our actions, our talks and our personalities can cause people to stray. It’s about admitting these flaws to your partner and speaking to them openly.
I sometimes sit and reflect, thinking about people that haven’t made it to a major milestone in their own marriages. Why do some marriages succeed and others don’t? There are so many reasons…
I’m not saying I have all the answers. But, we have been working on our marriage for 12 years now. My advice on a happy marriage:
Work as a team, have each others back.
Communicate - this is the basis of every solid relationship.
Spend quality time together.
Spend time alone doing things you enjoy.
I want my girls to know that when they are old enough and they think about marrying the person they love they should picture the great moments (the wedding, the babies, the holidays) but also picture the hard moments (like losing a job or a family member) and really think is this still the person you want by your side. I want them to remember that people change as time goes on and so they need someone that is willing to change with them. I also want them to realise that lust is not the same as love. Lust matters, but love matters so much more. As they grow, I want them to recognise that many people are drawn to danger and drama. If they find that they too are going through this phase then I need them to be careful as they need to understand that these decisions will impact the rest of their life. And lastly, I need them to appreciate that choosing the person they will marry will be one of the most important decisions they make, they also need to know that how they treat that person is the most important work that they will do.
For me, I would just say, take the pressure off and let love do its magic. If we want to be loved with our flaws we must be willing to do the same.
