Everything I felt during lockdown whilst I was simultaneously on maternity leave

This isn't a post about giving birth during lockdown, because thankfully I didn't have that experience. I gave birth two weeks before the first lockdown. If you want to read about this birthing experience, you can here. I've also previously written about The Fourth Trimester During Lockdown so this isn't really about that either. It's more a recap as to how this past year has left me feeling, now that I've returned to work.

It's funny to think about this past year, not because it's laughable, but because I was so looking forward to it, and specifically, I was looking forward to March 2020. My daughter was due in March 2020, and I had a glorious year of maternity leave planned, something I felt I deserved after having only taken seven months with my son, and also having returned to work, full time, a little earlier than I had planned. This was something I really struggled with, I hated being away from him. I had our daughter two weeks before the first lockdown, and just before the country has started to re-open, I've returned to work. I know that I am not alone, and I know that I am very fortunate in many ways, but that doesn't stop me from feeling angry.

It also seems funny because I feel like when I went into hospital to have her, things were still pretty normal. This virus felt really far away from us. When I came out six days later, the world was different. People were stocking up on groceries and fighting over toilet rolls. People were considering taking their children out of school. The rules in the hospital where I had just given birth were changing rapidly. Friends and family who were excited to meet our new baby were now asking if it was okay to wait till this had blown over - more than a year on, and still, only a handful of them have met her - and then, one day just as we were wondering if we should be taking our child out of nursery - and this wasn't an easy decision to make because those two days were very useful, especially in those early days - the world closed down, and we had no choice. 

This came as a bit of shock to my system. I just couldn't believe it. Now the memories of my daughter's first year, especially the first few months, are clouded with my tears, feelings of anxiety, and uncertainty. The full year is a loop of being in the house, going for a walk, and being in the house again. Of course, there have been brief breaks in these lockdowns, but this has been it for the most part. 

I tried to plan those days in the house, to fill them with educational fun for my toddler, and after a couple of weeks, I realized that this was something I couldn't keep up with, as the baby started to demand more attention. So we alternated most days between baking and painting, doing puzzles, and watching more TV than we usually would. It was hard, and I spent many days feeling like a failure. I still do. 

Child care bubbles weren't introduced for quite some time, and when they were, I was so thankful. It felt like I could take a breath for the first time in months. This also makes me feel like new parents - and actually, existing parents - were being forgotten about. No childcare, nowhere to take them for entertainment, even restrictions on Health Visitors, and other essential forms of support. 

Things are starting to re-open now, and guess who has just gotten back to work? That's right, me. I know I am lucky to have a job to return to, and I have been able to drop a few hours too, so I work four long days and have one day off midweek. In the beginning, I tried to tell myself that it would be over soon enough and we'd still have time, but deep down, I knew it would end when I went back to work. I could just feel it. 

So, I continue to remind myself how lucky I have been but I still feel angry and bitter. 

I hate that no one met my baby daughter that first year. She now struggles to be around other people, and she only just recently had a cuddle with her uncle that lasted about ten seconds before she decided she was going to cry. This gives me a lot of anxiety about actually going anywhere with her, especially if I am going somewhere with both her and my son, and it also makes nursery drop-offs awful. I can't help but worry that this will have a long-lasting effect on her too. I must say my son at least seems largely unaffected, which is a relief. He missed nursery for about four months and went right back with only a little hesitation. 

We had worries about our dinky daughter's weight. I tried weighing her myself, and she seemed to be dropping rapidly, despite having a good appetite. She needed to be weighed regularly, which involved a health visitor dropping off scales, and us taking them in the house to weigh her and then sending them away. No one looked at her till we were referred to the pediatrician, who then said she clearly looked happy and healthy but was just little. I can't help but wonder if those worries would have been eased if someone could see her. All I could think about were reasons she might not be gaining weight even though she was eating, which I of course found on Google, a mother's worst enemy. 

In the first few months, I was recovering from birth and trying to build a good breastmilk supply (I was exclusively expressing for her) so being in the house was helpful, and especially for the first few weeks, I wouldn't have been going to many places. Now thoughit's been a whole year of missed opportunities, which to some might seem quite small but all I can think is that it's time we won't get back.

Now that I've returned to work, I am trying to learn how to be a working mother of two, how to juggle that work-life balance. I am working from home, which I am thankful for. I struggle now with the prospect of even going to the shop, never mind the office I work in. This hasn't just had an effect on our baby, but me as well. It's not so much worry over the virus, but the not knowing - one way systems, temperature checks, all of the different ways we are learning to live drives my anxieties through the roof. 

Now, this is the part where I start to feel like I'm whining for no reason! To so many, our situation probably doesn't seem that bad, but that doesn't mean that I can't feel angry or upset about how the first year of my daughter's life has been spent. It's been exhausting, and nearly every day has been the same. I've missed so many people, and no one will have memories of our little baby daughter, of meeting her and cradling her, and even though people will still tell me she's beautiful, they won't have those precious newborn cuddles, because she's not a newborn anymore. 

When I do feel like this, I think about the ways in which we've been very lucky. We've had quality time that we never would have had. I was able to successfully express milk for my daughter because there was nothing to stop from sticking to a very strict pumping schedule. My husband has worked from home throughout, which means he's been here more. We are both lucky to still have our jobs. I am grateful for the doorstop drop-offs we've received, even if a few of them had me in tears. We've been relatively untouched, for all that I feel angry at how this time has been spent. As Bing Crosby sang in Holiday Inn, I've got plenty to be thankful for. 

I still feel so much for the other parents who've had lockdown babies. Whether they are first-time parents, or not. Those that gave birth alone, or came home to no support. Those that came home with empty arms, and those that heard heartbreaking news during scans. Those that struggled with PND, or needed feeding support they couldn't get. Those that were vulnerable, and the strong ones too. Those that felt lonely and those that couldn't get a break. All of them. 

During this past year, I've seen so many social media posts where people have commented "Oh, but you don't take maternity leave to socialize" and that's true, but what about all of the other things that have been missed? What about those that couldn't make new mum friends and those that needed support from existing friends? What about the fact that our babies aren't used to being socialized and now struggle with it? 

There are no answers really, I suppose, because we can't get that time back, we can only try and look forward. For some that will be easier, for others it will be incredibly difficult. For me, well, I try to be positive.