Consent is a three-letter word
When it comes to what ‘the C word’ should be in the bedroom, we know exactly where to start. And no, it doesn’t rhyme with hum or punt.
Consent.
Arguably, THE most important word you need to know and thing to think of to inform your actions when considering and engaging in sex or sexual acts with someone else. You’ve heard it all before no doubt, but have you ever considered why it’s so important and how to navigate it?
Lockdown is over, clubs have opened back up, and you’ve finally had the chance to take off the trackies and plaster on the makeup that now is covered in dust from months of neglect. The novelty of paying your five quid entry fee and having to show your ID to the bouncer is painstakingly reminiscent of your teens, but you revel in it after so long being locked away. You feel fierce, you look fierce, and you are straight on the dance floor ready to throw some shapes until you feel someone start to grind on you from behind with purpose.
Or maybe you’re on the way back from a friend's house on a night tube and there’s someone directly opposite you, eyes boring into your soul, undressing you with their gaze.
Let’s say that hypothetically you’re at a bar with a mate and the guy you’ve been casually flirting with at the bar is being intentionally forward and asks for your number, only to start ignoring you entirely when you refuse.
When you are thrust into a situation where a dynamic changes and you either feel uncomfortable or you’ve simply changed your mind (which you are allowed to do, by the way), how do you deal with it?
There isn’t only the fear of being labelled as potentially frigid, a tease, a blue baller, a fun sponge, or simply playing too hard to get. There’s also the fact that in the process of changing your mind, or vocalising if you feel uncomfortable, that the situation may get even worse.
Whilst attitudes to unwanted sexual assault as well as female sexuality have changed compared to when I was a teenager in a positive way, there is still work to be done. Being confident and having the ability to say no to unwanted advances are not the same. Just because someone may have the confidence to go up to men or women in bars, does not mean they necessarily have the confidence to vocalise if they’ve changed their mind. By having more light shone on the fear of speaking out or sexual assaults in general, it allows for the space to get that work done.
For example, did you know that The Crime Survey for the Office of National Statistics showed that in the year ending March 2020 there were 773,000 reported sexual assault victims (155,000 men and 618,000 women)? The same report indicated that 1 in 5 women have been sexually assaulted. One in every five women.
Personally, I cannot tell you the number of times I, and my friends, have been groped in a club as teenagers, been catcalled, been shouted at or chased down the street, had bums being grabbed in public, and more. This is the light end of the spectrum, because I also know people who are actual victims of rape and sexual assault, and let me tell you, it really does exist - even in the places you wouldn’t suspect. Especially in those places.
The ‘less serious’ lighter end of the spectrum though still falls under the ‘unwanted sexual touching’ category in the report and is deemed as non-consensual touching. And therefore by definition, sexual misconduct. Something that again is rife, if you know where and when to look.
Let’s not forget too that representations of consent in the media historically have been varied. Maybe if more sex scenes showed participants verbally giving and asking for consent, it would help those watching to repeat the same practices in their real lives.
Having said this, I liked in the BBC Three adaption of Normal People when losing her virginity to him, Connell asks Marianne if she was OK and if she wanted to stop at any time that she could. On the flip side, in BBC’s I May Destroy You when Michaela Coel’s character has consensual sex with a guy (with a condom) and gets furious and accuses him of rape when he intentionally removes the condom midway through sex without telling her, it shows the reverse situation when her consent is compromised. From the top of my head, these are the only two recent representations in popular media where I’ve consciously noticed consent coming into play - but maybe I don’t look for it enough. Maybe none of us look for it enough.
Regardless, the time for consent is now. And let’s not forget that consent can actually be god damn sexy - whoever said asking for what you want was a bad thing? Worth thinking about...
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Founder of The C Word Magazine, Emily King is currently living in London. She is passionate about art, travel, culture, cinema, fashion, sports, dating, feminism and a whole lot more. She is currently working on her own podcast with a friend and also dabbles in graphic design, when not doing her day job as a project manager. Find her on Instagram @emlrking
