Is virginity a social construct?

I don’t know about you, but I remember being a virgin.

I remember thinking that being a virgin was a thing. In fairness, It has taken me some unlearning to realise how weird the whole concept of virginity is.

Virginity is tied up to "your first time” and it must be, in order to qualify, vaginal penetration from a man. That is the socially approved understanding, a woman is a virgin until she is penetrated with a penis, then she is not anymore.

Society also teaches us to treasure it. Virginity is an important thing that you own, and it is something for you to give away to a man worthy of it. You can only give that gift once, so there is a lot of pressure around it because it is an important choice. They tell us that men would want us more when virgins, because they get to share that with us. They don’t make us see that wanting “virgin” women has more to do with their insecurities, than with anything else.

They say "you are going to remember your first time forever”, but I have just realised that I don't remember my first orgasm. I guess If I were taught about treasuring that instead I would, but that wasn't in the films, books or conversations. The only thing worth treasuring, remembering and planning was the time a penis got inside your vagina. I am cringing in front of my computer right now, seeing it, as many of the others pieces of the patriarchy puzzle, being a useful lie hidden in plain sight.

I don't think you need to be deeply in love to start having sexual relationships, and by that, I mean the large variety of things that compound it are not just a heteronormative and phallocentric act. Sex is much more complex from every angle, and the importance we give to that one act in the context of a sexual lifetime is insane and it takes away much more than what it gives.

Some people tie their own worth to that one act, which is nothing but the internalisation of other people making that connection about virginity and worthiness. Some others rush themselves into it because we are also told that we shouldn’t be virgins anymore at a certain age.

We also have unreal expectations about what happens after, who we become after. We idealise or fear that moment after having listened to so much confusing information from everywhere: we are told to wait, but not too much, that you bleed, that it hurts, that is the most important sex you will ever have. Lies.

If someone had ever asked me before “I lost my virginity” if I was sexually active my answer would have been no, but the truth is, I was having great orgasms by rubbing myself on top of a guy while making out. How is that it never counted? Those times in which I just followed my body and worried just about my own pleasure while my partner had their trousers on were, a lot of time, more pleasant than "real" sex. But for society that is not really sex, for me it definitely wasn't.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it.

It is the only act that can get you pregnant, and that is important, very important. But what if the way we deal with that biologic reality were through information and access to contraception instead that a whole mystic construction? What if we talked to our boys and girls about the importance of being safe and not about keeping yourself for the right one.

Putting that much value in what is going on under our pants is absurd and the idea of a penis being so utterly important that it can change who we are as women, and how we define ourselves, is even more absurd. But we all bought into it, I know I did.

Women’s sexuality is not something perishable and fragile, it is not a gift for someone who deserves it, it is not always heteronormative, it is not a one-time thing; it is not something that we need to protect, it is not where our worth resides in. Women’s sexuality is something that we need to educate ourselves on, to give value to, to respect; and not just that one time, but every single one of them, forever.

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Virginia Méndez is a children’s author, public speaker and co-founder of The Feminist Shop – a brand educating on gender equality through content and recommendations that also sells feminist books and ethically produced clothing (wearable activism!) and gifts. After 8 years in corporate and SME world she shifted her career to pursue her passion of challenging kids and adults to unlearn constrictive stereotypes. She has delivered workshops in schools inviting kids to critically think and challenge gender stereotypes and her book Mika & Lolo is translated in 5 languages. Mother of Eric and Nora and Spanish living in rainy Belfast she loves a good conversation with good food, wine and company. About feminism, of course.