3 Things I’ve Learned Whilst Trying To Get Over My Ex

Feb 25

The key word here is trying…

Here’s the thing about breakups and getting over someone, there isn’t a timeline on your healing. There also aren't any specific rules that when followed, will guarantee that you will get over that person.

According to a study in the Journal of Positive Psychology, 71% of participants were able to view their relationship and breakup in a more positive light after 11 weeks.

To be honest, 11 weeks does sound like a sufficient amount of time to feel a bit more positive about the outcome of a relationship that has ended. Though from personal experience due to the constant back and forth, a lack of boundaries and many unsaid words and emotions, only now (a year later) have I started to feel that sense of positivity - and, that’s okay.

I think there's often a lot of pressure to get over an ex. Pressure to get out there again and start dating etc. Whilst that is a healthy part of moving on, so is learning to be by yourself again after having a partner, honouring your growth and taking time to love and appreciate yourself. That said, here are a few things that I have picked up on whilst trying to move on from my relationship:

Two steps forwards, one step back - regressing and setting boundaries

There are some breakups that run smoothly and some (like mine) that result in trying to make things work over and over again. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing however, it can be a huge waste of time especially when nothing is changing.

For example, my ex would contact me every few months and we would have normal catch-ups. Of course, how we felt about each other would always come up and this would lead to me going from “I need to get over this relationship” to “maybe things could work out”. I would naturally begin to create the expectation that things would change, then end up feeling disappointed when they didn’t. This cycle continued until I set a boundary. Not only with my ex but with myself.

The importance of setting healthy boundaries

Boundaries can be hard to set. I strongly believe that they become easier to put in place when you realise that standing up for yourself can benefit all of your relationships. Boundaries help to create a stronger sense of respect and trust whilst allowing you to feel validated and appreciated. In an article by Forbes, Award-winning Coach, Sarah Andrade states that the benefits of setting both personal and professional boundaries are:

• You effectively listen and see other points of view while still respecting your own

• You practice self-respect by standing your ground

• You avoid future conflicts and resentment

• You set reasonable consequences for violating your boundaries

How to set healthy boundaries with an ex

Let me start by saying that it is normal to believe that setting boundaries may not be necessary and that the boundary will set itself as time goes on but trust me, it will benefit you in the long run to have that clear conversation about what boundaries you want to establish.

Firstly, establishing healthy boundaries with an ex gives you both the time and space to really grieve the relationship and figure out how you want to navigate everything moving forward. For example, if navigating the breakup means removing them from your social media or discussing if there should be any communication at all, have those respectful, open conversations. As said in an article by The Every Girl, “Focus on compromising in a way that is beneficial, easy, and works for the both of you.” Just remember to communicate what you want and what is going to help you.

In my case, it was about finally making it clear that I was choosing myself as my main priority. Not the relationship. This included me communicating that I didn’t want to be in contact anymore if it meant repeating an unhealthy cycle of expressing emotions without any changed behaviour or actions.

This was hard for me. For others, it’s as simple as blocking their ex’s number and moving on. I couldn't do that and to this day, I haven’t. That said, it’s more about accepting that regressing during a breakup is normal and that setting those boundaries is the start of moving onto a healthier chapter in my life.

There is no timeline on the healing process

Healing truly has no deadline or timeline. Just as emotions flow, so does the process of healing after a breakup and one statement by author, Shahida Arabi, that I strongly agree with is that “forcing yourself to heal or comparing your healing to others is a prescription for poison rather than a cure.”

I truly think that these things take time.

For example, there are people who instantly delete every photo and memory after a breakup and others who hold onto them for whatever reason and that is okay. It is important to remember that relationships, whether romantic or platonic, make up a big part of our lives and once they are over, it can take a while to revert and become familiar to the reality of being without them.

Plus, there are many healthy ways to express and comfort yourself through a breakup. Here are some of my favourite things to do:

Talk to friends and family - I find that vocally expressing how I feel allows me to understand my emotions a bit better sometimes. Before sharing (ranting), I find it beneficial to ask if it’s okay to share how I’m feeling. This is to avoid the unnecessary dumping of any emotions and instead,
Create a safe environment for both parties. I also sometimes state that I’m not looking for advice. Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me and how I feel. Clarifying these things can make way for a very healthy and insightful conversation.

Journaling - Writing how we feel, what’s on our mind or simply what’s been happening day by day is a great way of processing our emotions. It is also a good way to release any heavy emotions that may be consuming our thoughts.

Reclaim yourself - Personally, once I was out of my relationship, I realised that I did push a lot of things to the side in order to focus on the relationship. These things happen quite naturally. Almost as if in a bubble and the breakup has burst it in order for you to build and nurture yourself. Try to focus on your hobbies and wellbeing, create a new self-care routine or revisit things that you used to be passionate about.

The best thing to do is feel those emotions

I have been there. Crying 3 months after a breakup and thinking, what are you doing? Why are you crying? I then realised that the more I allowed myself to fully feel these emotions, the more I felt as though moving on was actually possible. As stated in an article by Living Better Lives Counselling, “When we avoid or reject emotions, the energy of those emotions gets stuck in the body. This is why we continue certain cycles and unhealthy patterns. The energy is never released and stays with us until we fully allow ourselves to feel. What we resist, persists.”

Channelling the emotions we feel, especially the ones we deem as negative, is actually a stepping-stone to moving into a more positive mindset and state. Yes, there are some emotions that we may feel for longer but they will always pass. The moment we transcend to a more positive light, the emotions that once felt so draining really do stand out as the powerful moments that were needed to get us to that optimistic space.

Danielle Woods is a London-based Magazine Journalism and Publishing graduate. As well as writing poetry and a bunch of love letters in her notes app, Danielle works as a copywriter and content writer for a variety of digital platforms. From beauty to dating apps, she is open to writing and expressing her views on anything relatable and candid. When she’s not writing, Danielle can be found reading tarot or looking for new products to add to her skincare routine.

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