How Zoom calls are the new ladies’ bathroom

"Ya need some girlfriends, hon, 'cause they're furever. Without a vow. A clutch of women's the most tender, most tough place on Earth." Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens

I can say, hand on heart, that my female friendships have saved my life. When my mental health has been at its lowest, my friends have always been the ones to drag me from hell and bring me back to life.  They are gentle and kind, tough and empowering, truthful and embracing.  People wonder what makes female friendship so unique - the truth is, you find this bond in every oppressed sector of society. We walk through life together; understanding each other's struggles. 

"I would take you on my shoulders - like I'd strap you up and be like, 'Let's go through helllll.'" Abbi - Broad City.

   Female friendship dates back to our cave-people days. With the men out hunting, do you think tribes of women stayed in their corner of the cave alone? Of course not. They would have banded together to raise the next generation as a community.

   And women have stood together ever since, regardless of our parental choices. But has a pandemic that has physically distanced us from our friends, impacted these relationships?

"And the one thing I know for sure is my girls will be there, no matter who else steps in the picture, my girls are my constant." Ryan - Girls Trip.

  I'm a better friend in person than at a distance. If I get too many messages in a day (rare) I need to hide under my duvet. Covid-19 has made face-to-face interaction impossible and yet, these past few months, we have needed each other more than ever.  

   I miss evenings in the pub, putting the world to rights and offering a myriad of advice that weakens as the wine increases while the compliments soar. And I will continue to miss those nights until they return, but I am talking to my friends more than ever.  This is one of the legacies of the pandemic that I hope will continue.  

"Who allowed you to take my breath away?" Molly - Booksmart

  I think where female friendship has struggled in lockdown, is in our need for proximity. It's a trope that's been used against us as a sex, but the Ladies' bathroom of any bar shows how that cave-person instinct for tactile friendship still lies within us. Let's start with the queue. A group of tipsy-to-drunk women, butting into each others' conversations to confirm they are a golden starfish and deserve better than their current partner; as per their friends' assertions. The cubicles. At least one stall will have a pair of girls in it, probably telling each other how much they love one another. The mirror. One girl is crying and a huddle of women, all strangers, have surrounded her in a hug. With female friendship, it's like being drunk in a bathroom every day, but without the smells. This physical distance has not harmed our friendships, I think we'll value proximity more once we're reunited.  But we certainly feel that inability to be tactile more keenly.

"I need you to text me every 30 seconds saying that everything is going to be okay" Leslie Knope - Parks and Recreation.

 Women don't just communicate our love verbally but in our actions. When my dark, depression filled days hit, my friends have dragged me out of bed, forced me to hang-out, and rung my doorbell aggressively until I answer. While men tend to ask when they need help; women instinctively know when we need lifting.  Perhaps it comes from our years of being told not to talk - we spent it listening to others until empathy became embedded in our DNA. This has been hard to cope without in lockdown, while my partner is my mental-health, cape-less hero, the calls of my friends are too easy to decline. 

   We all need to know that when things go wrong, there are people in our life that will drop everything to support us - not out of family duty, but because they choose to love you. While this isn't unique to women, it is communicated more freely. This ability to verbalise our feelings allows us to compensate for not being in the same room.

"I love my husband, but it is nothing like a conversation with a woman that understands you. I grow so much from those conversations." Beyonce 

 With the world on fire, I've needed to talk through issues in safe spaces that we have created over culminating years of trust.  

 We talk about Black Lives Matter, our privilege, our understanding of the Trans community, and various ways we'd like to undermine the American political system. My girls are helping me make sense of the world when I feel flooded with information. Be it Zoom, WhatsApp, Skype, Instagram, an old fashioned phone call or socially distancing in a garden - I don't think I would be able to cope right now without them. I find freedom in the conversation of friends that can not be paralleled in my romantic relationship with a man. These conversations have brought us closer in lockdown - with our friendships played out through technology, our ability to share ideas has only accelerated. 

There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends." ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar 

If lockdown has done anything, it will make us appreciate all of our relationships. I asked my partner whether his life would benefit from the same level of support we receive in female friendships. He said he knew his friends were there when he needed them but acknowledged that was a rarer experience for men. In his lone-ranger style that he holds so well, he said that female friendships were 'too much maintenance' for him. 

I get it. Sometimes the intensity of our connections can be overwhelming. But, for those of us who have these relationships; the lockdown only enhanced our deep-rooted love for our friends. Lockdown has made us more compassionate - and don't we need a little more of that right now?

Find more of Cathryn’s work at www.crgoddard.com or on Instagram @crgoddardwrites