The Last Heartbreak
The last heartbreak is the one you feel you’ll never recover from. The one that has you on your knees begging for someone, anyone to make the pain go away. It breaks you in such a way that if you close your eyes you can see yourself trying to scoop the pieces of you up from the floor. Those pieces fall through your grasp.
There are just too many and they are just too small.
You are broken. Well and truly, broken.
You cry like a wounded animal in the hopes that it will feel better afterwards, only to find that when the tears stop the constant thoughts don't. So the cycle begins again. A few more hours of trying to live, trying to find a way out, and then the tears come again. You don’t think you can carry on. The pain is all consuming and you question every moment, every interaction and every thought you ever had.
It feels like you will go crazy - some even call you crazy and say you need help. What you really need is someone to hold you, and tell you they are there for you and you die inside wanting it to be the one that you have lost that comes and takes the pain away. But they are not coming. They know they have hurt you beyond repair. They can’t even deal with their own feelings and emotions so how can they take on yours as well? Your logical mind tells you that’s the case but your body knows. It knows that this is the last heartbreak that you can take.
That is why this heartbreak is the last. You have to do things differently. You have to move on from the constant thoughts, overthinking and replays in your mind. You have to feel it in your body.
The last heartbreak is so destroying, so debilitating and it has you on the edge of a precipice where you could quite easily take that leap into giving up on life. It’s a darkness you cannot see the way out of and at that time nothing and no one matters apart from that gaping void within you that comes from
Yet.
Another.
Loss.
After years of rejection, never being chosen, never being valued, considered or recognised. They use you and drain you, take pieces of you to repair themselves. You are their company, their consolation, their crutch and then…..then they feel better and move on.
All that’s left for you is silence, a silence so deafening that you just sit and sit and sit and think how am I here again?
Years of people-pleasing, bending, forgiving the worst, loving with every cell in your being and ignoring disrespect have finally taken you to the lowest point you’ve ever been.
You know people think why can’t she get over it? It’s been weeks and months, coming into a year since he rejected her, he wasn’t that special. Why is she still crying over a guy who wouldn’t spend time with her, made her feel small, and took away the voice that their connection once gave her? Took every last piece of joy in her heart and stomped it into the ground?
See, because that was the repeating pattern. They all picked you from the shelf when you were joyous, vibrant, bubbly, and it’s no wonder they loved you. You brought a unique glow to their life. After all, you are you, and you are beautiful, soft, devoted, a cheerleader, an advocate, an inspiration. They feel elevated, seen and heard. They are floating in the air. The ones that pick you can’t believe this funny, sexy, perpetually optimistic, intelligent and hardworking fierce female wants them.
You are a good girl and you drop anything to be there. You focus on them being happy, feeling loved and supported. You tell them they’re the most handsome guy you ever knew as you hold their face in your hands. You tell them that when you see them your heart quickens and you tell them that when you look in their eyes you don’t want that moment to ever end. And that’s when they know it. This girl will do anything for them. They used to respond in seconds, back and forth, back and forth for hours and hours and hours on end. Laughing, making plans, excitement and joy.
They start to take an hour, then a couple of hours and then days. They start to leave you on ‘read’ and respond when they have time. They used to tell you why they took a while, what they were doing, reassure you, say sorry even though they didn’t need to and now it’s just a response to what you said. The plans start to become excuses and they even start to not show up. I fell asleep, somebody needed me, I’m tired, I’ve got to get up early, I’ve got plans. You sit and you wait, and you get ready. You long to see their headlights on the drive and then nothing, only darkness. But they said they were coming, something must have happened. You stay quiet, you forgive, you say maybe next time and they say I won’t let you down again.
You feel sick inside, you know you didn’t do or say anything wrong but you know you are no longer a priority to them and so the switch has begun.
This once confident, vibrant and carefree woman starts to shrink. Her shoulders round and her chin dips, her eyes are quick, searching, scanning for any sign that what was once there is returning. She becomes exhausted with strategising, thinking about how can she change so that he will return. She is becoming a shell before the eyes of everyone who knows and loves her. She’s changed, they know it, he knows it. And this is why this is the last heartbreak.
This is the time when all those rejections, cycles of loss and change and being so low you want to end it wake you up. You decide that this is the last time you will change, mould and abandon yourself to keep someone in your life. Someone who could never meet the needs of wonderful you. Someone who couldn’t hear when you said all you wanted was to spend time with them, see them, have them hold you. Stay with you a night or 2 a week. They made you feel you were asking for the world, a want so big it was unreasonable and unobtainable. You weren’t. You were asking for the bare minimum. Someone who desires you, takes joy in your presence, and would never hurt you, make you cry or lose your joy. They wouldn’t want that for you. How could this be your person if at the end you felt insane for asking for basic human needs?
The last heartbreak changes you. It brings the decision to shower all the wonderful things you do for others on the most important person in your life…YOU.
‘The wound is the place where the light enters you’ - Rumi
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A self-confessed lifelong people pleaser, nurturer and rescuer, Kerry Chalmers is ready to come into the world and use her voice to help others who have lived warrior women's lives but still feel so alone. A survivor of childhood trauma, domestic violence and many, many other adverse life experiences, Kerry has begun a self-growth and healing journey like no other. She is passionate about ending the lifetime of anxiety, suppression and shame that so many of us are desperate to step out of the shadows of. Delving into the world of healing her inner child following a traumatic relationship experience has led to deep pain but also immeasurable growth and discovery of her story, her power and her voice. Kerry has started to document this journey on her Instagram page dear_little_me77 and wants to inspire others to find themselves.
