The Orgasm Gap

Photo credit: Deon Black

What is the orgasm gap and how do we overcome it?

Orgasms are pretty amazing, right? They have been linked to happier moods, reduced stress levels and even better sleep, so there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re kind of obsessed with them! 

The orgasm gap is very frustrating and something needs to be done about it!

What actually is the orgasm gap?

Essentially, the orgasm gap refers to the disparity between the frequency of men and women experiencing orgasms during sex. It tends to affect women in relationships with men the most. According to a Durex study, 75% of women don’t orgasm regularly during sex, yet only 28% of men don’t always climax. Even more shocking, 20% of women never orgasm during sex, whilst only 2% of men never do. Not ideal. And definitely unfair.

Why does it exist?

So the stats speak for themselves, but why does this gap exist? Well, some people have decided that the female orgasm itself is to blame (ridiculous, I know). For centuries, the female orgasm has been viewed as an elusive and mystifying occurrence. Whilst the female orgasm may be slightly more complicated than the male one, labelling it as ‘mysterious’ just highlights how little we have been taught about female pleasure and how it has never been a priority.

Female pleasure as a taboo

Female pleasure is a taboo subject. Women who enjoy sex (and orgasms) have been punished throughout history; labelled as whores, and even criminalised as witches. Even now, women are still criticised for being open about sex. Think of how the media treated both Maura Higgins and Megan Barton Hanson from Love Island for being open about enjoying sex (whilst nothing was said about the male contestants creating a ‘do bits society’).

Sex education (or lack there of)

If you were lucky enough to have sex education growing up, you probably weren’t taught about female pleasure. Girls are taught about periods and how to avoid pregnancy, whilst boys are taught about erections, wet dreams and masturbation. Sex-ed doesn’t teach us about the clitoris and its 8000 (!!) nerve endings, but over 50% of women require clitoral stimulation to get off. Alarmingly, the Durex study found that 30% of men think vaginal penetration is the best way to make a woman orgasm.

Porn

With a lack of comprehensive sex education, many people learn about sex through porn. Porn isn’t all bad, but much of it remains focused on male pleasure and is often created purely for the male gaze. This prevents many of us learning about, or prioritising, female pleasure.

How do we bridge this gap?

The orgasm gap isn’t fair. Women are missing out on amazing sex and the great benefits of orgasms whilst men are having the best of times! We ALL deserve mind-blowing, toe-curling, body-shaking orgasms-- and regularly too. 

Here are four ways you can try and overcome this infuriating gap in your own relationships and hopefully achieve some pretty fab orgasms as a result.

Get to know your body

Remember how Otis prescribed a wank to Amie in Netflix’s iconic Sex Education so she could figure out what she wanted from her boyfriend in the bedroom? This was GOLD advice. You need to figure out what you like, what you don’t like, and what sends you over the edge. The best way to do this is to have a cheeky wank (or three).

Right atmosphere

The Durex study found that factors such as stress and being tense were major contributors to women not being able to reach orgasm. Make sure your sexual partner is someone that you trust and feel comfortable around, and try to focus on the sensations of the moment instead of getting worked up as to whether you will actually finish or not.

Mix it up

Sex toys are literally designed to help you come so make use of this! There is nothing to be ashamed of for wanting to introduce a vibrator into the bedroom, it just shows that you're taking charge of your own pleasure. Speak to your partner first about it so you don’t surprise them though! DIfferent positions can also make it easier to orgasm, especially ones where your clitoris will be grinding/hitting against your partner.

Communication

This is the most crucial piece of advice. You need to talk to your partner about what you like, both during sex AND in a non-sexual setting. Even someone who’s very experienced in bed isn’t a mind reader and might not know the knack that you need to orgasm. If you’re continuing to struggle to orgasm with them, open up to them about it. A good sexual partner will care about your pleasure and will want to work with you to help you have the best time possible.

DON’T FAKE IT

Lastly, please, please don’t fake it. This literally doesn’t help anyone. You don’t get an orgasm, and your partner thinks whatever they were doing was right and will continue to do it every time you have sex. It does nothing to help bridge the orgasm gap and prevents your partner learning how your body works and what it needs. 

Ladies, let's help dismantle the orgasm gap. It starts with you! 

Check out our similar article on a new female-focused sex-ed platform here.