Who am I performing for?

I’m good at strong emotions and incapable of muted ones, there doesn’t seem any point in middle ground.

I’m afraid of mediocrity and worst of all anonymity. There’s a constant screaming that I must be dramatic and exciting but this need to be the most and never less has left me falling short as I’m inevitably disappointed when nothing and no-one can live up to these stupid standards.

This isn’t some pursuit for achievement or academic excellence, it’s a constant attempt to embody the caricature of myself I have created and fulfil the narrative playing out in my mind in real time as I self mythologize with every menial action.

I’m not sure if it’s narcissism or only child syndrome or a potent mix of both or a need to validate taking up space and make myself worth paying attention to.

I’m intimidated by my own expectation and this pandemic has eased that burden. It’s hard to be dramatic when you’re stuck in a box. But isn’t this huge, universal pause the most dramatic, most over the top form of nothingness I could ever ask for. I’m excelling at nothingness, living out my Truman Show fantasy as my everyday actions take centre stage against the gentle hum of global panic.

I am performing as myself, giving people blatant blaring markers to make myself unforgettable but insubstantial. I’ve become a character and I have no idea who I am without that and if anyone would even care, I’m afraid to rely on other people’s judgement and my own nothingness.

It’s so easy to appear authentic in the digital age but it’s a fake, half-hearted authenticity. Distracting and meaningless, lulling people into a false sense of familiarity while diverting them further away from anything real. Maybe I am underestimating them.

I exist in the space between who I am and who I’ve told myself I am, hiding in the no man’s land behind my own fictionalised narrative.

I am not who I’ve presented to the world, but I don’t know who I am without that.

I’m torn between wanting to never speak to anyone and wanting everyone to be obsessed with me.

I don’t understand moderation but I’m not sure I want to, what would be the point?