The Reality of Being a Woke Woman in a Community That Tries to Silence Women

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a woke woman engrained in a culture where women are told to be silent, to be seen and not heard? Every time you speak up about something considered to be taboo in your community, there are people judging you from every angle and people wanting to silence the voice that many generations of women fought for us to have. 

Personally, as someone who’s always been very opinionated, I like to share my views, regardless of what other people think or what the South Asian community would say about my opinions. My passion for speaking out against injustice and oppression came from a very young age because as an individual, I have a lot of empathy and compassion for others, and so I’m able to acknowledge the different struggles that people go through in their lives. However, the South Asian community, as a whole, is often less concerned about the struggles that people face within their community and more focused on their reputation and their own pride. Many people I know have fallen victim to the constraints of pride and reputation, especially when it is something that acts as a barrier to good mental health and happiness. The way that people are treated by others when they don’t follow the linear trajectory that is put in place for women in our culture is wrong. What I mean by linear trajectory, is being put below male counterparts from a young age, often being expected to follow the unfulfilled dreams of those that came before you whilst simultaneously being restricted of the freedom to bloom and flourish. Being pushed to get an education, but not to become educated on important things like racism, discrimination, politics, rights, feminism etc. because it is not ‘desirable’ for a woman. In fact, many relatives of people I know hate their daughters to be educated on topics that will increase their independence and their ability to see the world from a perspective that differs greatly from their parents. 

One specific thing that I can’t seem to understand or grasp about the culture is how people can continuously pose the question ‘log kya kahenge’ or ‘what will people say?’. When younger members of the community disclose important parts of their lives with their families, the first thought should never be about what other people think. I have seen that phrase tear whole families apart and it’s horrible to witness parents valuing irrelevant opinions over their own flesh and blood. We’re taught in our schools to not to care about what other people think of us because at the end of the day, only our opinions and how we perceive ourselves matter. However, we then grow up and many people are faced with the ultimatum of sacrificing happiness for their families or pursuing what makes them happy at the expense of family. For this, I believe that only acceptance and love can break this toxic cycle because happiness can exist in both parties involved if people weren’t so concerned about what others think about situations. If people learn to accept each other’s differences and accept that their child should not be forced into becoming a ‘mini version’ of their parents then we’ll be taking a step in the right direction. 

The thing that is most apparent is the way in which the older generation expects the younger generation to inherit not just their genes and history, but also their silence when it comes to social issues and injustice. This is because there is an overwhelming sense of misogyny and reinforcement of the patriarchy within our culture. Even if people try to deny that it exists, there is still a very common belief in male superiority and men in the South Asian culture thinking that they should be in charge and so women are deprived of a voice. If one thing is for certain, I will never inherit the silence of anyone from the generations above me - women have been silent for so long and it’s time something changes. I’ve been an advocate for female empowerment for a long time and one thing I’ve learnt is that intersectional feminism gives us a platform to share our views but many people within our community see feminism as a threat to them, as if women having a voice or women wanting rights is so intimidating. We shouldn’t ever have to sacrifice our freedom and be forced to see our sacrifice as a form of rent we should pay to older relatives. This is because we all have the free will to choose what is in our best interests. 

As I am very observant of behaviours within our community, I have noticed many people throw around the term ‘good girl’ or ‘good woman’ to describe women in our community but the context is almost always related to what a woman does to please others. To be labelled a ‘good woman’ is to never speak back even if something is oppressive, to make immense sacrifices to maintain a family reputation that you didn’t ask to be involved with and to accept behaviour that restricts your rights as a woman. If that is what a good woman is, then I would rather be far away from that label as humanly possible. If openly speaking out causes people to label me as a ‘troublemaker’ and a ‘westernised woman’ then I’ll happily be called that.  I’m more comfortable with being a ‘troublemaker’ if it means I am able to stand up against the misogynistic views of people in this community because this superiority complex isn’t right at all. I don’t believe that women should suffer and be deprived of a voice because of patriarchal attitudes that have taught men that they have control over the actions and behaviour of women. 

Do not choose to bring me up in a country that’ll be good for my education and expect me not to have opinions. 

It is so important for us to educate ourselves when it comes to social issues and taboo topics as there are so many things that the elder generation neglect to tell us or perhaps they haven’t educated themselves on. Something that others don’t tell us and I had to learn for myself is that it’s okay to move away from views that our parents/grandparents want to pass down to us. Often, their views are based on tradition and culture and therefore do not adapt to the current society we’re living in and our current social climate. In order to be progressive and move forwards as a society, women like myself are trying to break these generational cycles that are bestowed upon us and fight for our rights as individuals. Moving away from these traditional ideas does not mean we ‘lack respect’ for our elders, but merely that we have to take a step forward to break these generational cycles that place women’s voices behind bars. At the end of the day, this cycle of inherited silence will only be broken if someone steps forward and speaks up about it because change starts with an individual. Commitment to making a change combined with a consistent message and an ability to be flexible in understanding others views can cause a minority influence to roll into a majority influence. In other words, a change sparked by an individual can lead to a change on a grand scale over a period of time.

Don’t get me wrong, my community has its positives. We have families that are very close with one another and we embrace the beauty in our culture in terms of the different types of people, the languages, the food, the sense of community in general. However, the toxicity is rarely mentioned by others as it’s considered to be taboo and often, people get questioned and interrogated if they speak up about a community that considers themselves to be right all the time. In the past, from people in my own culture, I’ve been subject to misogynistic ‘jokes’, which I believe to be the result of an overwhelming sense of male superiority. In addition to this, I have received comments that are very harsh, especially when my intent is only to raise awareness about how South Asian attitudes influence and detrimentally impact both the people within the community and those outside too. Telling a woman to ‘go back to the kitchen’ or that she’s a ‘Kaafir’ (meaning ‘non- believer’ in Islam) when she stands up and uses her voice isn’t a good look and labelling it as a ‘joke’ is a weird way to phrase it. If your ‘jokes’ are misogynistic, then you’re probably not funny. In fact, if a ‘joke’ makes fun of anyone (gender, sexuality, race, religion etc.), then humour isn’t your thing. Also, I am aware that not everyone in the South Asian community is Muslim, but the proportion that are Muslim often have people that purposefully try and use religion as a justification for their toxic mentality. This gives a lot of people the impression that culture and religion go hand in hand when this is far from the truth because it is actually the opposite of what Islam is about. This culture of toxicity and oppression is integrated due to this mindset being passed on through generations. However, we can change this.

Implementing change in a community where culture is so engrained and seems so inflexible is one of the biggest issues when it comes to activism. This is because people never want to admit that the culture is wrong and that it needs fixing. Members of the community are stubborn and unwilling to see things from other perspectives but slowly, if we educate and keep on pushing the narrative that women have a voice and are able to use it, then we will be one step closer. It will take a while to unwind the damage caused by many generations of toxic mindsets and close minded people, but if everyday, we slowly untangle one part of this massive problem then we are making a difference. If from each time someone raises awareness, one other person becomes educated on this topic then that is what we call impact. Impact isn’t measured by the amount of reach, but by the effect it has on those that it did reach. 

Remember, you have a voice for a reason. Be loud, be proud and be unapologetically you because your voice has so much power. It took me a while to find my voice, but now I have found it and I will always make sure to use it for the greater good.