Mom, I just had a freaking baby.

No small feat, three days in labor but God has been great, always. She's a month old now. But when my neighbours son came up to me yesterday asking me when I was having my next baby, I wanted to slap him into next Tuesday because I am still sporting postpartum paunch.

I have these garish stretch marks snaking my body where I once had skin as elegant as Cleopatra's. And my thighs, I have so much friction between them I could start a bush fire, like one of those that burns for 77 days in Australia devastating the whole place. Don't get me started on my boobs.

Last night I slept hard and woke up in the middle of the night to find the bed wet. I had been slowly drip irrigating it with breast milk. I was mortified. I woke my good guy here (I am still not sure what to call him. I could call him Mr. Husband but he hasn't proposed, or Mr Boyfriend but he can't be because we have a baby together.) Let me go with Mr. Baby Daddy for now. I showed him what happened and I was sure he was divorcing me by sunrise. Instead, he tells me it's okay, he pulls himself to the far side of the bed and let me squeeze closer.

I don't feel sexy, and my body is heavy. My libido is somewhere in the basement. Sex before kids used to be spontaneous. It used to happen anywhere, anytime. It took a wink, a suggestive glance or a sext to get me hot under the collar. It was naughty and fun and obnoxiously loud. It was careless and fearless. At the end of it I used to feel rejuvenated and I could even go speed walking; it gave me energy.

Sex after children, particularly infants, is almost not there. Your sex life has gone under, that's why most men cheat (or I am overthinking this). Maybe he’ll cheat because I smell like breast milk 24/7 or because I am always tired. I am wondering why the baby didn't eat, why she didn't poop, why she is coughing. The baby wants to be held. It wants to be changed, to be kept warm.

Months later I'll be craving sex so much. I'll Google 'How to rekindle the temptress' and one post will read boldly, 'The Top 50 Sex positions for couples'. The sheer ridiculousness of that number. Three-quarters of them will require an indemnity form because death or injury is assured if you attempt them.

In the end you need two things. Make yourself available for your partner and perch yourself seductively on the bed and then do this frequently enough so that you're not just roommates who share meals, split the bills and mind the baby.

If it doesn't work, then there's always the Mganga Kutoka Kitui who can help you with Shida ya mapenzi.

(This is a witch doctor from Kitui who can help you with the love problem).

_

Gloria Nyagaka is Kenyan and just completed her Bachelor's degree in Geology.

She has been a writer for six years now. Her manuscript is the biggest project she’s ever done, a modern romantic thriller, is in the hands of her literary agent. It is a book that expresses great female characters and the strength of a woman at large. She mostly campaigns against women violence and for freedom for women to choose. She also focuses on how great women have changed the world, Michelle Obama, Serena Williams, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie and others. She is a swimmer, a swim coach, a Taekwondoka, hockey player, and a dancer.