I recently read an article with the title, ‘Things You Shouldn’t Say To A Single Person’, although in reality it probably should have said: ‘Things You Shouldn’t Say To Any Person, Ever.’

There’s a whole bunch of these types of articles all over the internet. But I just clicked on the first one, as who has time to scroll down a whole page of Google? Anyway, I’m glad I chose it, as it was frankly hilarious.

Before we go into it, I just want to give a few of my thoughts:

1. If anyone ever said any of these things to me, the closest drinks would be poured/thrown over them.

2. You’d have to have been silent screaming about being lonely for anyone to even remotely think about saying any of these things.

3. The person saying these things must really fucking hate you.

Those were my running thoughts as I was reading it.

I don’t actually think I can believe that people really say any of these things, but the article said they do and it’s been published on the internet, so I guess it must be true.

Here are some of the things people say to single people, but as the writer of the article suggests, we “shouldn’t say these”. No fucking shit, genius…Also, you should get some new friends if your current ones have said any of these things to you.

Here goes…

Number one came in as this:

“If you’re single, it’s really because there’s something wrong with you.”

Why would anyone say that to someone? Of course, there’s something wrong with them, there’s something wrong with all of us. And there’s something hugely wrong with the kind of person who would ever say this out loud.

“Life is meaningless and purposeless without a special someone.”

Well, not really. Single people have a much more chic, varied and badass (sex) life than that of boring couples. Without that special someone, you’re free to do whatever you please. Nobody is texting you and asking you to get out of the pub and come home because the tap is leaking or the cat (you didn’t want) has thrown up. There’s no requirement for you to sacrifice a more fun time to instead go to some family dinner of a family that isn’t even your own. Life has no purpose because you have nobody to defrost the damn chicken for? Life has no purpose because who can you throw the remote controller at? If the person who wrote this article was writing based upon personal experience, we should probably find her and see if she’s ok. Nobody needs to be told their existence is pointless because they don’t have a plus one. Dreadful.

After those really rather shocking ones (and I’m not easily shocked), even I thought “wow, what a total asshole the kind of person who says that must be”, but they begin to get a bit more fun. Here’s some more stuff not to be said to the singles:

"Your job won’t keep you warm at night."

Actually, it fucking does as it pays for my heating, bitch.

“Have you ever tried downloading one of those dating apps?”

Yeah. When I was in a relationship.

‘Perhaps you should lower your standards.”

I’m not really sure that’s possible.

“Special occasions and holidays aren’t the same when you’re single.”

Do you know how many holidays I’ve been on and seen a girl in a maxi dress and wedges sat in livid silence opposite a guy with a sunburnt nose and no clue what the fuck he’s done wrong? Meanwhile, I’m spinning around sleeping with the locals, mainly in the pool.

“Maybe you’d be happier if you were in a relationship.”

I’m assuming whoever is saying this to a single person is only saying it because the single person it sat crying about their single status. Any singleton who’s say around crying about it deserves to be told all the aforementioned.

The rest of us are doing just fine all up in our denial over here.