Dating With Purpose So You Don’t Shoot Yourself In The Foot

Modern dating requires a whole new mindset, a mindset which acknowledges the fundamental intricacies of relationships, dating lingos, core values, standards, self awareness, discipline and social skills. It is imperative to date with intention so avoid “going with the flow”, otherwise, you may attract incompatible people, consequently causing your dating goals to take more time to achieve. 

If you’ve been out of the dating scene for a while, you’d soon come to terms with the realisation of how hard it is to meet people of substance in this day and age, especially if you’re career-minded and don’t have the time to date. 

The older you get, the more your dating pool decreases to a Jacuzzi, a bathtub, then a bucket that can barely fit a Shitzu. The competition is high, criteria’s are wavering, temptation is inevitable due to easy accessibility of forming new connections; credit goes to social media and dating apps. 

Marriage on the other hand, seems underrated, the need for a life partnership and cohabitation over marriage is suddenly becoming more of a preference in modern dating, not to mention the types of modern relationships on the market,  such as Polyamory, Polyandry et al.  

As a Matchmaker and Dating Coach who frequently conducts research on the online dating market, I have come across a number of people who vent about what dating has become and struggle to find love for many reasons, such as a lack of vulnerability, not dating with purpose, unaware of who they are and what they want, a constant cycle of repetitive dating habits expecting a different result, settling, attracting the wrong people due to limiting beliefs, entertaining people who have opposing principles, not having standards or setting clear boundaries.

Modern Dating Vs Traditional Dating

Modern dating can be challenging for those who are committed to traditional dating principles.  

As a professional Dating Coach and Matchmaker at The MME Agency (Exclusive matchmaking for professionals and celebrities), I tend to work with people who still uphold a traditional dating mindset, where gender roles exist and equality is non-existent. Both parties come into the relationship a 100% whole and as such, compliment each other's differences while supporting each other's vision

Traditional dating involves gender roles, Men are viewed as the head of the household, the provider, and protector. Men of this mindset court women with marriage as the goal, they make their intentions clear and solidify their commitment with a proposal while Women are submissive, nurturers, who support their partner and manage the household. 

Although the general consensus of traditional dating promotes gender roles with men covering every financial aspect of the relationship as women remain housewives, the new age traditional views tend to embrace some modern attributes, in the sense that traditional women contribute where they can considering women now have the right to work unlike the old days and more women of this generation are passionate about careers and career development so they create a balance between their role as a mother and wife, with work life, supporting their partners financially where necessary. 

Interestingly studies show that those who have a traditional dating mindset tend to have lasting relationships and marriages, unlike those with a preference for modern dating.  Could it be that a lack of gender roles in modern dating sometimes feels like one party does more than the other and equality in relationships is a myth? Perhaps.

Women in modern dating relationships are known to pay for a first date or go “Dutch”, they’re also known to court or propose to a man. Men with a Modern dating mindset are more open-minded and don’t have an issue being stay at home dads or assuming a more submissive role.  Marriage isn’t particularly the goal and cohabitation is the norm. Couples tend to share responsibilities with a 50/50 mindset and adopt an unconventional way of maintaining a relationship. 

Meeting people is easy, it’s meeting quality people that’s the hard part. To reduce the burden of the hunt and navigate the world of modern dating with precision, you’ll need to be strategic. Your dating strategies will inevitably attract someone who gets you, sees you and compliments you in ways you can’t imagine; so says the law of attraction and manifestation. 

So here are some tips on dating mindfully with purpose to get you started:

Encompass self-love

You may have heard this countless times but there’s no harm in making it your anthem. Self-love is the first stage towards identifying what you will and would not settle for. When you love yourself, you’re capable of loving another. Accepting yourself for who you are is like a magnet that attracts your tribe; someone like-minded. You become an embodiment of love, with  an overflow to share and as such radiate positive energy which creates an exemplary quality of life. 

Know your dating mindset

Are you one who upholds traditional dating views or do you have a modern dating mindset? Whichever the case, make this clear with your love interest. Your dating mindset is the first stage to assessing your compatibility with a significant other. One who is committed to traditional dating values may struggle to maintain a relationship with someone who has a more modern dating mindset due to conflict of belief.

Have a goal

Ask yourself why you’re dating. Is it for fun and casual relationships, or something more long term and meaningful? To live happily ever after in a stable monogamous relationship with a beautiful family and a legacy to build. Having a purpose gives you a sense of direction and security. It also makes it easier to attract the right prospects and allows your potential interest to value you more. Dating someone who doesn’t have any concern for marriage or having children when that’s part of your dating goal, is a waste of time and a clear sign of incompatibility. 

Have standards and maintain them

You may feel pressured by life, age, family or insecurities to settle for less and rush into an unfulfilling relationship - these are all limiting factors that can cause you to make the wrong choice. Maintaining your standards allows you to sieve through the barrage of serial daters and timewasters. Focus on the most important qualities you look for in a partner and let your instincts guide you. Try to be mindful of cognitive dissonance when it arises, for example seeing red flags in someone and somehow rationalising them into green flags. Familiarise yourself with the disparity between green, red and yellow flags.

Red Flags are associated with habits or characteristics you can’t tolerate. Examples can be inability to communicate effectively, emotional abuse, pathological lying, infidelity, and domestic violence.

Yellow Flags are things you can compromise on or resolve. Examples may be white lies, not knowing how to cook, involving family members or friends in private matters that are meant to be between you and your partner.

Green flags are qualities that ensure a healthy balanced relationship such as compassion, support, emotional intelligence, positive accountability traits, respect, trust and financial stability.

Ask questions

Don’t be afraid to ask questions, the more questions you ask your love interest the more you get to know how they think and what they value. Active listening skills will help you read between the lines, understanding what is said and unsaid. It’s also never too early to ask questions pertaining to what you value most in a relationship. If you feel asking certain questions too early may push them away, then they aren’t patient enough to understand you.

Put yourself out there

You’ll need to do so to be found, because no one will suddenly pop up at your front door out of thin air without seeing your brake light or knowing you’re available and on the market. Let friends, colleagues and relatives know you're actively single and searching for a partner. 

There’s no shame in being single and hopeful for love, but you’ll need to do the work to find it, believing you shall receive love and manifest it. Also take advantage of dating apps, test dating apps on the market and assess what works for you. Some dating apps like Tinder are more known for hookups and casual relationships so that may not be the best choice if you’re searching for something serious and long term. Match.com has a reputation for having a database of people who seek real relationships and is a great platform to begin your search. 

Also, exclusive personal matchmaking agencies like The MME Agency which offer both Matchmaking and Coaching to get you mentally and physically ready to date are great ways to maintain some privacy, gain perspective and confidence, while someone does the work on your behalf, introducing you to quality prospects who share similar interests and core values. 

Abstain from sex until you’ve established a solid foundation of friendship

Try not to get lost in the sauce; the emotions, chemistry, orgasms and all that good stuff. Sex can sometimes cloud your judgement and you may struggle to decipher if what you feel is indeed love or lust. Be patient with sexual intimacy at the early stage of dating. Spend some time getting to know your love interest, their love language, passions, life goals, what makes them tick or happy, how they handle life's difficulties, their core values and vision, your attachment style and theirs, until the moment genuinely feels right, not forced. 

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

Dating is all about getting to know a person to see if they’re compatible enough to establish a meaningful relationship. Putting all your eggs in one basket leaves you at a disadvantage because you may spend a lot of time with one person who is merely acting a role to gain your favour with the wrong intentions, leaving you to lose sight of another who may have been more authentic and suitable for you.  

Be open to seeing two or more people at a time, only as much as you can manage then eventually focus on the one who seems to resonate more with the qualities you seek and has proved their intentions through actions, trust, reliability and commitment.  

See the bright side of rejection

Rejection is healthy,  it makes it easier for you to weed people out. Take rejection as a redirection towards someone better and try not to let it get to you or make you feel insecure. Don’t dwell on the fantasies you may have created with the wrong person, let it go and make room for The One.

Enjoy the dating process

Although dating can sometimes feel like applying for a Job, enjoy the process. Dating should be exciting and adventurous.  Be open to trying new things, learn to step out of your comfort zone, live a little, and embrace vulnerability.

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For personal matchmaking and coaching, visit www.themmeagency.com

Mandy Mee is a certified life and mindfulness coach, Founder and the UK's Number 1 Traditional, Diverse, Matchmaker & Dating Coach for professionals and celebrities at The MME Agency. A British with a passion for love and relationships. Having successfully matched a number of singletons over the years, Mandy sought to turn her Passion for Matchmaking and Coaching into a profession, offering dating advice to help singletons navigate their way through modern dating, and guiding couples with relationship coaching for a healthy balanced relationship. Mandy introduces eligible singletons offline with a traditional mindset and one goal in mind, to establish a long term relationship and marriage.