I feel like I am probably late to the party on this one, what with said Instagram post by Wayn-o being from September 2020, and it currently being Feb 2021. But, better late than never.

The reason I am so late on the uptake is probably because I’m not an avid follower of Wayne, but he’s recently taken over my television screen in the latest Celebs Go Dating season, which sparked my flatmates memory about this Instagram post. So why not write about it in my most satirical tone? Without further ado, I give you Wayne’s captions (in bold) and my responses (in Italics). Let the games begin.

This post is purely tongue in cheek banter..🧡

Sure it is, Wayne…we’ll take it with a pinch of salt.

So, my family have decided I need a girlfriend for my own sanity and health...so here’s my criteria 😅

Yeah, your ‘family’ decided that.

Ok - Let’s start this off like I’m normal:
Strong nice loving personality ✅

Ok…maybe this is going to be sweet?

Now to more important things:

Hmm…more important than a strong nice loving personality?

You must like older men but only me...

This sentence contradicts itself. Also, are we talking like David Attenborough or more silver fox, George Clooney vibes. Because, sorry Wayne, both of these men, I like.

You have to be a worldie and above 30 (Ok 28 29 could work) but not my age as that would just look weird 🤷‍♂️

You know what, at least he limits it to ‘can’t be more than 23 years older than her’. He’s right, it would look weird.

you must like to travel and to fly business class and stay in incredible hotels.

Who wouldn’t?

Be prepared to give up your career or job or at least be able to work from a laptop on a tropical beach somewhere.

Prepared to give up your career is a liiiiiitttleee different to working remotely from a beach. I’ll take the latter.

You will need to spend the summer in ibiza and the winter in Dubai with 2 weeks in Uk for Christmas and new year with the families and holidays to the Maldives...No baggage as mine are all grown up.

Again, travel-wise I could probably just about be totally fine with this. My ONLY question is whether Wayne’s family all come out of the womb as grown ups - clearly they have no kids at Christmas?

A dog is acceptable but will need a passport.

I wonder if ferrets or weasels are more acceptable? Probs also need a passport though.

You must be able to cook as I love cooking, especially Waitrose ready made meals.

Would we say that Waitrose ready made meals qualify as ‘cooking’?

You also don’t need to be verified I can sort that for you..

Sign me up Wayn-o. Get me living that blue tick life.

house music and R&B lovers only. No heavy rock or pop music.

Damn, I’ll have to burn my heavy metal and UK Garage albums.

You must like Netflix especially money heist and also real crime. No chick flicks watch them with your mates.

Money Heist? What even is this? True crime, I’m on board - let’s re-watch Making A Murderer. I’ll watch chick flicks with my mates and you can watch Die Hard with yours…not stereotypical or anything.

You need to be confident enough to be able to go to the front of the queue in nightclubs and accept a table and free drinks from the owners.

Move aside, bitches! I’ll accept more than one table or drink, hun.

You will need a driving license to share a Bentley and a Lamborghini Jeep (pending)

Wonder why the Lamborghini Jeep is ‘pending’ - is it half built or made out of lego? I’m imagining a buffering wheel.

you must never have shared a teeth whitening post!!

These nashers are all NATURAL.

I’m not on any dating sites you shouldn’t be too.

Note to self: unsubscribe from Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, Raya, Plenty of Fish.

I’m Not on only fans so you shouldn’t be too.

I feel like I should know what Only Fans is, but I just don’t. I’m guessing it’s for die hard fans?

You must love the gym, health food and have body definition as I will have soon.

Stop, Wayne. How soon, is soon? I feel like I could also have body definition soon…if by soon you mean, if I ever get pregnant or miraculously win the lottery, quit my job, build my own gym and workout every day.

Accept and love my children and grandchildren and realise no more kids for me.. (never say never though)

Starts off moderately sweet. Still don’t think he get’s the contradiction thing though.. no more kids, but never say never?

you must be able to let my PA @davehodges10 book all yours and our flights and purchase items online for you. You just need to send a link to him ..

Wonder how many links Dave has to sift through.

You must be able to accept my friends even @tonytrumanibiza as I will accept yours ...

Should I know who Tony Truman Ibiza is?

accept I have to reply to girls DMs not just guys...

Me too Wayne, me too. I joke…i don’t think anyone has ever slid into my DM’s. *Cue tiny violin.

One last thing. Your geography needs to be on point as girls that think Lincoln is in Wales is not good.

I know that Lincoln is in Wales, but that’s probably the limit of my knowledge of Lincoln I’m afraid.

Be intelligent but not boring. Outgoing suits

Aye, aye captain. I’ll be brain of Britain in nipple tassels.

😂🙈🧡#wifeywhereyouat#justbanter

I truly wonder where #futurewifey is, and whether this really is #justbanter.