A couple of my friends are on the coronacoaster with me, but I was on it well before them, they were just at the entrance holding the bags and coats at first. But they finally succumbed and jumped on to join in with the deep joy it brings. They’ve hit that part where you’re just in limbo and really have no idea if you’re about to crash down or roll backwards because you’re too fat for gravity.

As with most of my friends, they’ve come to me for advice with all things mental/bonkers.

One friend came to me, and we had an interesting back and forth:

Friend: “I’m you three months ago.”
LIG: “You’re definitely not, I’m much skinnier and I was far more vocal with my need for rehab or whatever.”
Friend: “What do I do?”
LIG: “To be skinnier?”
Friend: “To be more normal.”
LIG: “Don’t cry in public, remember that cheesecake is for everyone, run away from your feelings – it’s fun so get your trainers on, and also therapists are now offering online sessions.”
Friend: “Thanks LIG, why don’t more people go on your Ask Me page?”
LIG: “They do but they’re boring.”
Friend: “Thanks!”
LIG: “Thank you, next.”

Sleep affirmations

During my own period of difficulty on the coronacoster, I went through a very negative moment where I would be heard yelling many short phrases in my room:

“Life is shit!”
“I’m shit!”
“My hair is gross!”
“Where has my thigh gap gone?”
“I hate everyone!”
“I hate everything!”
“I wish I was a puppy with mansion owners who have a pool!”

That last one I’ve never stopped wishing for all of my life.

Clearly, with the exception of the rich pool dog, most of these are unhealthy, so I tried to listen to sleep affirmations podcasts before bed – which is people saying statements that tell you the opposite of what you’re thinking, set to atmospheric hippy music. Positive shit.

Unfortunately I couldn’t find one that would work for my own personal needs, the only ones I found sent me to sleep. A man talking over sound bath therapy, making me repeat slogans like:

“I am strong”
“I am committed to achieving my goals”
“I am calm”
“I am wealthy”
“I am positive”
“I am successful”
“I am on the best path for me”
“I am healthy”
“I am rich”
“I am beautiful”
“I believe in me”
“I am kind”
“I am loved”

The trouble is I’m really none of those things. My negative brain would say “no you fckin ain’t” and then my zen brain would say “yeah you are but anyway shhh just listen” and then the negative brain would come back in: “You are beautiful? Lol drop me out did you see yourself on front camera today?” And then Zen and Neg, well they’d get into a big old screaming match and meanwhile the sleep affirmation podcast guy would be complimenting away all over his namaste music but would go completely unheard.

It’s a real dilemma…

This inner dialogue war happens to us all, and this is why positive affirmations don’t really work. I Base that on my own brain and what I’ve witnessed from the rich and beautiful constantly moaning about everything and pretending they are fine but deep down feeling the opposite.

So I’ve made my own sleep affirmations, and shall be committing them to tape in due course. Or MP3. Whatever. I’m going to say them over a backing track of an old woman (probably my mum) sat next to a pond hitting some pots and pans. It’s called bath sounds. Many of my friends have requested their copy already. Gee I hope they like it!

Because I could give a fck about intellectual property, here’s my script:

“I am popular on Hinge”
“I am able to do 100 squats before becoming bored and looking at Kylie Jenner’s Insta”
“I am capable of a thigh gap”
“I am a thigh gap”
“I am alright sometimes”
“I am financially okay I guess”
“I am a bit of a twat, but mainly when I am drunk”
“I am a drunk”
“I am good at writing and talking to myself”
“I am no longer taking drugs”
“I am erratic but calm when I am asleep and on drugs”
“I am capable of getting an abundance of dick, although only from idiots”
“I am able to fast for 72 hours”
“I am liked by a couple of people”
“I am a 7 with make-up, lighting and filters”

Love you, byeeeeeee.