I’m lying there thinking,

This is it.

I taste blood on my tongue again.

I’ve been vomiting blood.

 

I think

my death wouldn’t be the worst thing

to mankind.

To anyone.

 

I just needed the pain to stop.

 

I’ve had pains I can put words to, but

this was strange.

Not exactly pain,

bitter-sour,

weak,

vomiting.

 

The discomfort in my stomach.

The heaviness on my shoulders.

The uneasiness.

 

I call her,

she hangs up.

“Message me”.

A message pops up soon after,

“Am I going to die?”

 

“Dress up,”

Me?

A log of wood?

I’m just waiting to rot.

“No, I’m not going to hospital again.”

Let me die

slowly;

I don’t have peace.

I also don’t want more pain.

Pain from cold walls;

such cold walls, and

sad faces.

Nurses trying to be friendly -

perhaps because they love their jobs,

or because they don’t want to lose them.

Does anyone love misery?

 

“This is it”

I turn, again.

And again.

And again.

I sit.

I stand.

I lie.

On the side,

on my back,

on my stomach,

on my side.

 

I can’t choose which is more uncomfortable.

I stand;

everything is moving in circles.

I hold my sheets tightly,

or I might fall.

Shaking.

Trembling.

 

Ah,

I want this to end.

Piercing pain this time

through my chest.

I’m not thinking straight.

Drunk in pain,

I can’t tell.

 

Tears fall, and

I let them.

I lie there

Listening to the pain.

The pain of my sins.

Could this be a curse of all I did wrong?

 

This is it, Death.

It has a taste;

it’s sour

like blood.

 

This is not hell,

this is purgatory.

 

A prayer.

Please let me die in my sleep,

peacefully,

No more pain.

Its the only thing I ask of the Gods.

_

Gloria Nyagaka is Kenyan and just completed her Bachelor's degree in Geology.

She has been a writer for six years now. Her manuscript is the biggest project she’s ever done, a modern romantic thriller, is in the hands of her literary agent. It is a book that expresses great female characters and the strength of a woman at large. She mostly campaigns against women violence and for freedom for women to choose. She also focuses on how great women have changed the world, Michelle Obama, Serena Williams, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie and others. She is a swimmer, a swim coach, a Taekwondoka, hockey player, and a dancer.