I don’t feel lonely when I’m alone, I feel lonely when I’m with people I’m not supposed to feel alone with, when I’m no longer allowed to feel alone.

If good company is the pinnacle of human connection why does it feel so empty, like constant, building static making you more and more uneasy.

Prickling until you need to retreat back to comfortable solitude and forget that you can’t dictate how other people perceive you regardless of how many obvious markers you give them.

It’s easy to exist in so much space, unaware of your own boundaries and limitations or simply pretending they don’t exist.

IT gets complicated when other people get involved, diluting that space. What was once empty and simple now full of comparison and competition and expectation.

It feels wrong not to feel alone, all inside out and incorrect. I shouldn’t feel content with this quietness and this calm, I should want more and I should be more, I should feel like half of something, something less than whole.

But this slower, simpler life has made me grateful for my wholeness, the pressure and the expectation has lifted and I suddenly feel enough.

I no longer need to need more or need to pretend I’m bored by my own company. There’s no point sabotaging myself just to be able to show people I am struggling. I don’t have to look for noise to fill the silence. If the silence is what I want.

It is alright to be quiet.